The Roger Clemens saga is getting ready to kick into high gear and what better way to speculate on how things are going to unfold than with a saga-themed parody?
I haven't been following the Clemens situation closely, but I did read that
Andy Pettitte is expected to say that he discussed HGH with trainer Brian McNamee following a conversation with Clemens. This would contradict Clemens' claims that he never discussed HGH with McNamee.
Pettitte is scheduled to appear before a congressional committee on Monday, Feb. 4, followed by Clemens on Feb. 5, McNamee on Feb. 7, and Kirk Radomski on Feb. 12. Chuck Knoblauch is slated to tell everyone what he knows on Friday.
Anyway, Vinny from Kearny and I were joking that the Clemens-Pettitte fiasco might look a lot like a scene from Godfather II. I'm sure you know the scene I'm talking about. It's when Frankie "Five Angels" Pentangeli is getting ready to rat out Michael Corleone and the whole family, but changes his tune once Michael brings in his brother from Sicily to the hearing. We had a good laugh. But Vinny went a step further and sent me this "revised" version of that scene. I laughed like a 10-year-old schoolgirl when I read this and maybe you will too. Apologies to Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola. A little info first in case you don't know: Rusty Hardin is Clemens' attorney. Enjoy!
INT. SENATE CAUCUS ROOM - DAY
The room is crowded with TV journalists, cameras, etc. We pick Andy “Five Angels” Pettitte up, closely guarded, being led to the witness chair.
Andy “Five Angels” is seated, and made to take his oath. FBI Agents are all around him.
MED. VIEW
Anyone given entrance to the caucus room is being frisked. The five Senators take their places.
VIEW ON RUSTY HARDIN
Waiting at his long table, very nervous. He seems startled by the appearance of Andy “Five Angels.”
VIEW ON ANDY “FIVE ANGELS”
Catching Rusty Hardin's eye. It's as though he is pleading for some kind of understanding of the fact that he has become a traitor.
VIEW ON RUSTY HARDIN
Cold; then he turns away.
VIEW ON THE ENTRANCE
The bustle is settling down; then Roger Clemens enters, and with him is someone very peculiar and out of keeping for this setting. A brown bushy hair child with an Elmo blanket and frightening magnetic eyes. His dress is odd: slippers, and what seems to be a Spider-Man T-shirt.
VIEW ON ANDY “FIVE ANGELS”
At first his view is blocked. Then he sees Roger and is a bit shamefaced, but still defiant.
ANDY “FIVE ANGELS'" POV
Roger returns his glances without emotion. Then the VIEW ALTERS, revealing the child.
VIEW ON ANDY “FIVE ANGELS”
He is terror stricken; obviously he recognizes the child.
VIEW ON RUSTY HARDIN'S TABLE
Roger and the child sit by Rusty Hardin, where they can stare directly at Andy “Five Angels" -- he is frozen with fear.
VIEW ON THE SENATOR
Notices the tension in the room. The Chairman commences:
REP. WAXMAN
We have here a witness who will
testify further on Roger Clemens
uses and history of HGH and Steriods.
This witness had no buffer between
himself and Roger Clemens and will
corroborate our charges on enough
counts for this committee to consider
a charge of perjury against Roger Clemens.
(then he turns to Andy “Five Angels”)
Your name please, for the record.
ANDY “FIVE ANGELS”
Andy Pettitte.
REP. WAXMAN
Were you a friend and workout partner
of Roger Clemens? Did you discuss
HGH and steriods with Roger Clemens
before the Mitchell report?
There is a long silence.
VIEW ON ANDY “FIVE ANGELS”
He seems unable to speak.
VIEW ON THE CHILD
Gazing at him.
VIEW ON ANDY “FIVE ANGELS”
ANDY “FIVE ANGELS”
I never knew no Roger Clemens.
Rep. Waxman is stunned. The two FBI men are alert, their eyes searching the room for what has intimidated their
witness at the last moment.
REP. WAXMAN
Mr. Pettitte, you are
contradicting your confessions to
our investigators; I ask you again,
were you a friend and workout partner
of Roger Clemens and did you ever
discuss HGH and steriods?
ANDY “FIVE ANGELS”
No. I never heard of it. I never
heard of nothing like that. I played
for the New York Yankees with him.
That's all.
REP. WAXMAN
We have your confession that you
went to dinner with him, worked out
at his home, went fishing at Brokeback
Mountain with him and discussed HGH and
steroids. Do you know what
denying that confession will mean
to you?
The die is cast and like a good soldier, Andy “Five Angels” will go all the way now. So he is brazen in his defiance of the Senator.
ANDY “FIVE ANGELS”
The FBI guys promised me a deal.
So I made up a lot of stuff about
Roger Clemens. Because then,
that's what they wanted. But it
was all lies. Everything. They
said Roger Clemens did this,
Roger Clemens did that. So I
said, "Yeah, sure."
He makes a big grin to show how he has made fools of everybody.
VIEW ON THE FBI AGENTS
Glancing around the room; their eyes have settled on the child. One of them scribbles a note on a piece of paper,
and passes it to the committee lawyer. Then in turn it goes to Rep. Waxman.
REP. WAXMAN
Mr. Hardin, would you kindly identify
to this committee that gentleman
sitting on your right hand?
RUSTY HARDIN
(coolly)
Yes, sir. His name is Luke Jackson
Pettitte.
REP. WAXMAN
Is he related to the witness?
RUSTY HARDIN
He is, I believe, his son.
VIEW ON ROGER AND LUKE JACKSON PETTITTE
They wait with no expression.
REP. WAXMAN
(to Luke Jackson Pettitte)
Sir, I would like you to take the
stand.
Luke stares at him, uncomprehending. There may just be a shadow of contempt. He doesn't answer.
RUSTY HARDIN
Sir, the child does not
understand. He is only 2 years old and is still
learning how to talk. He would not
in any case, take the stand. He
came, at his own expense, to aid
his father in his trouble. His
reputation in this country is impeccable.
REP. WAXMAN
(furious)
The witness is excused; take him out.
The guards and FBI Agents quickly remove Andy “Five Angels”, as everybody else in the room is required to sit still.
RUSTY HARDIN
Rep. Waxman.
REP. WAXMAN
This meeting is adjourned.
RUSTY HARDIN
(rising and shouting)
This committee owes an apology!
REP. WAXMAN
The committee is adjourned until
further notice.
For the first time, in the midst of the confusion, Rusty Hardin smiles. A bitter, contemptuous smile.
VIEW ON ROGER CLEMENS
The modest champion. He rises and they take their leave.
VIEW ON THE TWO FBI AGENTS
They watch the Clemens party as they exit.
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